i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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