Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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