My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Randomize
