i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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