the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
