I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
