My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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