Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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