I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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