i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
