And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
