you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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