so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
