my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Randomize
