I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
3pm strippers are depressing
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
