i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
