I think I won the penis lottery.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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