Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
