Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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