I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
