I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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