Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
The ass gains better be worth it
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