Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
