i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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