somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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