apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
