She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
