I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
