I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I deserve this hangover.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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