just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!