I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.