The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
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chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
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antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.