Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
