And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
babies were throwing up all over the place
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
