After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Randomize
