Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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