This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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