Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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