Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
