I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
