Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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