The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
