bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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