I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
