im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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