Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
there is glitter all over my balls
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