I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
