Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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