spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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