Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Randomize
