I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
