Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
