Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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