I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
