The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
