Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
