Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
