i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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