I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
